My ongoing "public service" to desi news-deprived desis & desiphiles everywhere. Any resemblance to respectable, factual reporting is totally unintentional.

Normally I do this Sundays.  But Shashi Tharoor's "cattle class" kerfuffle on the heels of Obama's "jackass" reference, draws me out sooner.  My dad has been following the media + political screaming match like all good letters-to-the-editor writing, barely-ever-voting citizens.  He called me, rather distraught this morning and asked me to stop blogging (or twittering, both of which he uses interchangeably) since it is a "dangerous affair." That of course brings me straight here.  My poor dad ponders the suicidal intent of having kids on a daily basis.

My homage to Tarantino... first a tenuously related Act 1.
Act 1: How many Yudhisthiras do we have in Indian Politics

• 25% of Lok Sabha members (136 MPs) have criminal records.  I felt a fleeting sense of pride that it wasn't a bigger number, but that passed quickly .
• BJP MP from Gujarat, Babubhai Katara arrested for attempted trafficking - he tried to smuggle a woman across to Toronto using his wife's passport. Kithna romantic...hai na?
• Former Chhattisgarh chief minister, Ajit Jogi, arrested by the CBI in connection with the murder of NCP treasurer Ram Avtar Jaggi...was actually delighted to see the CBI getting some real action. 
• BJP MP, Navjot Singh Sidhu kills a man in a road rage fit. Not sure if he goes scot-free because he is a cricketer or a politician...or both...
• Young lawmakers are more prone to breaking laws - which tells you this aint getting any better any time soon...
• 50 per cent of serious criminal cases registered against MPs were mostly from UP, Bihar, Jharkhand and MP..no surprise there
• The charges include a beautifully blended dysfunctional mix - murder, rape, extortion and attempted suicide...adding one more thing to their list of stuff they failed at... 
  

No point going Draupadi cheer-haran with that list since as you know...there is plenty more where that came from...  So given this miasmic environment, it was ironic that Tharoor's impromptu remark has caused various people to have a moral meltdown.



Act 2: Travails of economy travel

To say this isn't a pain is like denying the concept of evolution...oh well.  There was truth and a smattering of dark wit in what Tharoor said, but politicians and diplomats are held to some sort of Bhishmic standard when it comes to progressive commentary.  Not saying that this is right or wrong but just that this is the hand that they have been dealt.
Some of you know me to be a free speech nazi but I also believe strongly in context.  Just as Renuka Chaudary is an attractive, well spoken woman but does not delude herself into believing she is a Ms. Universe candidate, politicians cannot wing it like standup comedians.  And in the age of the social networking virus, there are no more Rooseveltian secrets.  Politicians in general and diplomats in particular just cannot have "Truth Tourrettes" as Jon Stewart calls it. 

For the record - there is truth in what Tharoor said, but he cannot say it without getting in trouble.  I felt especially bad for him when he had to explain semantics and intent which is horrific for any writer.   Luckily I am not the Indian Minister of State for External Affairs or an MP (and never will be...have you read my blog?!). Therefore I have taken it upon myself to illustrate the plain truth about economy class travel.

I've experienced a wide range of train disasters including a projectile vomiting drunken youth as he hurled from the top berth (thank you Newton), creepy man in lungi hiking it down to have a go at himself at night...and the least offensive was an actual bomb blast.  This is not just about Indian travel - overnight Amtrak rides are no picnic either. 

My father is a second-hand Camry buying, truly austere man who has often riden with the "engine driver" as we call them.  While I am no Paris Hilton, I also prefer not to be sprayed with human body fluids as I travel.  Given that context, I wanted to share with you all an email I sent my father after he booked me in First Class instead of AC II Tier during my annual winter trip back home. The exact transcript with no embellishments is shown below.  I hope you enjoy...
___________________________________________________________________________________

From: Me@email.com

Sent: Tuesday, December 02, 2008 1:28 AM
To: dad@email.com
Cc: myentourage@email.com

Subject: Veni, vidi, vici...not quite


This mail is primarily for you pa. I want to explain why I cried before getting onto the train at Chennai Central station. I know it makes very little sense to you and it is androgenically easy for you to assume it was an inexplicable estrogen outburst.
Here's the deal though - we come from very different worlds on this travel circuit thing. For starters I do NOT like to leave home for ANY reason. And if I do, train is about my least favored mode of transport...probably just a notch above "dinghy hijacked by Somalian pirates."
Since you dont necessarily believe in the concept of empathy - let me quickly give you the highlights of my recent First Class non-AC cabin trip from Chennai to Telicherry. In terms of an assault on the senses this one was high up there.


Yeah there was grime, dirt, and untold numbers of visible dubious stains that my daughters were only too willing to touch and lick. That was an awesome experience. Then there was that persistent smell of adult male poo (most virulent version) that actually takes a human form, travels by foot, picks you up by the collar and asphyxiates you. This happens about 180% of the time of the journey. I believe they also removed the shock absorbers from these carriages. So every second registers on the Richter scale and you are there for the ride...of course you are there...where else can you go?!

And while AC sequesters you from some of these sights, sounds and smells - there was no reprieve here since you can hear every "kadakbhadak, chadak dhadak" and a blaring horn that only seemed to happen once every nanosecond. This is highly recommended when traveling with an NRI infant and preschooler because it really calms and comforts them.


Since this is the pre'cis version I will not go into more agonizing details of my trip - but I have to talk a little about the icing on this nauseous cake. That coupe' we were supposed to have...remember...with just the four of us - my lovely nuclear family? Well..in reality...we traveled with two other strange men? I need to give you a quick recap on "one Mr. Balakrishnan" as they say here. He perched himself on the top sleeper across from me and can best be described as a lecherous cross between a Dravidian and a hippo in heat. He thought it would make my trip that much more memorable if he just kept staring and visually undressing me for as long as the lights were on. That was truly spectacular experience for a much married mother of two. I guess it was just as enjoyable when I was a single woman but I have just been out of touch with this...a little.

Anyhoo - back to the future. I cried then because I knew what I was going to face before I got onto that hell express. And it angered me that I had not stopped it ahead of time and forced you to NOT cancel the AC tix. It angered me that I failed me. You have to believe me that not for a moment did I blame you.
So that is my emotionally loaded, devalued two cents. I know you think I am high maintenance - but I am a valuable, recession fighting consumer. You must feel like I am a traveling Narakasura born to your austere Varaha Avatar- but you cannot deny that I keep it interesting :)


Take care and luv
me

Thanks for reading! Less snark ...more truth in this week's edition of Utter Desiness. Would love to hear from you on your thoughts about any or all of this post...

My ongoing "public service" to desi news-deprived desis & desiphiles everywhere. Any resemblance to respectable, factual reporting is totally unintentional.

Act I: Not-so-gratuitous 9/11 reference

DDB Brazil recently won a One Show Merit Award, got into a deep pile of crap, and then was stripped of its award for creating the ad below.  Their point was that the 2004 tsunami killed 100 times more people than 9/11.  For some reason they say the deaths occured in "2005" and that's one issue people did NOT have with the ad.  Many Americans were severely offended by the ad and it triggered a tsunami of angry comments, retractions and apologies.

Free speech and taking offense seem inextricably linked and this is not the first instance this happened and we all know it won't be the last.  So a few thoughts before I get into the desi aspect of this post.

• Free speech rocks ...yes.That means anyone with a finger or the ability to speak will type/say crap...yes (Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, and any number of non-US politicians stand testimony to this)
• In a healthy democracy - both sides should have at it.  One gets to say crap in the name of free speech and the other gets to be offended.  And this is okay as long is no killing, vandalizing, syringe stabbing etc. happen.  We do not always get that lucky.
  
• With great freedom comes great responsibility.  Just because we should be able to say, show, visualize anything doesn't necessarily mean it is a good idea. Yes I can poop in my pants...no law against it...it IS cathartic, but the aftermath stinks.
  
• Context and time matter.  9/11 is often a covered in American standup routines and there is the odd TV show or movie that makes it the central plot.  But gratuitous, self-serving use of sensitive issues is a whole other matter.  Also an accepted corollary in the US is that it is okay to make fun of your own kind, but not kosher/halaal to piss in another group's pool of pain...the N-word anyone?
• And finally - saying something to have a good laugh is okay though not everyone will think it's funny and that's fair too.  But perpetuating false information in the face of a controversy is just Reifenstahlesque.

Sorry about that preamble but was necessary for my next act.  India (among desis) is known for its non-PCness. Even today it is okay to use references like chinki, moti, bhaingi etc to point to an ethnic group or physical disability.  In that context, it pained me to see that today... offended Hindus are about as prevalent as sponsored cricketers.

Act II: India's fast growing export...Offended Hindus

Muslims are generally pegged as the group with the lowest offence threshold.  My research indicates that Hindus have been busy playing catch up, proving once more that when it comes to being jumpy and hormonal, we are all the same. So romantic! 

Here's a quick audit of various issues that have gotten some Hindu goat...another idiom that beautifully blends Hindu-Muslim iconography :)...but back to our list! The italicized snarky commentary attempts to understand the offense.

• Sep 1, 2009 - Malaysia: Hindus offended that Muslims protested a temple construction with the head of a bleeding cow. Not sure when cows became the Hindu horcrux.  We have about about two mythological cow divas in Kamadhenu and her daughter Nandhini.  Besides those two I don't see why the rest of them should not have a fair chance of landing in a spicy round of Kerala Chilli Beef.
• July 9,2009 - Spain: Burger King's ad agency uses Lakshmi sitting over a beef burger to connote "sacred" proving that they have been living in caves with no Internet.  As with the Brazilian ad, clearly this ad is not offensive locally but if you have so much as a carrier pigeon in your neighborhood you should know that there are "sacred cow" issues beyond your own zipcode!
  

• March 15, 2009 - Udupi: Hindu Activists offended by a Charlie Chaplin statue in a movie set. Less known fact: Krishna had a huge Chaplin complex as evidenced from his need for comedy and multiple lovers.  Deviously brilliant move by the Christian powers to get Krishna to convert first, so other Hindus would blindly follow.
  

• Nov 3, 2008 - Los Angeles: Heidi Klum gets Rajan Zed to fire up his inner swastika and defend Hindu honor when she dresses up as Kali for Halloween.  Kali is in fact an all powerful Goddess who can destroy everything in sight but Rajan Zed has reason to worry because anorexic German models are Kali's kryptonite. Mr.Zed with his authentically Hindu sounding last name is also mad at Sony and called for a boycott of the brand. He believes PS2 trivializes a revered Hindu deity in Hanuman: Boy Warrior by allowing players to control Hanuman's destiny when in reality that's God job. So in Hanuman we have a God so strong he can control our destiny, but so weak he can be brought down by a glitch-ridden, desi-programmed video game. I thank God for planting Mr. Zed to protect him so God can protect us...
  

• Jun 20, 2008: Some Hindus are offended by "Love Guru" (a lousy movie by any standard) and Deepak Chopra asks them to get a life.  Then said Hindus get mad at Deepak Chopra making it an offense Mobius strip. Awesomeness!
  
• Jan 15, 2008 - Chennai: Actress Shriya Saran offends Hindu culture by wearing spaghetti straps. Hindu Makkal Katchi (Hindu People's Party, or sambar-for-brains) thought this outfit offended a culture where celestial apsaras(prostitutes) are used to tempt and "service" austere sages. Please check out the strapless red bra on a clearly 38 DD apsara as two sages gawk at her.

There is a crapload of such instances ranging from mundane to sublime where folks on both sides of the Hindu/beef aisle are offended.  Hindu groups ask for a hijab ban in Kolkatta (how French of us), the beef lobby loses it with British Airways when they choose not to offer beef in-flight and Non-Hindu groups in the Caribbean are offended by a no-meat policy in temples.  


Given that we don't have a Hindu Handbook of Rules or 8.1 commandments to follow, I don't get this Hindu culture litmus test being used nowadays.  The Hinduism I know allows me to ask Krishna if his logic is watertight, then demand a second opinion from Shiva while I interrogate Brahma on why the Trinity has no female representation.


I proudly defend that strain of Hinduism and am offended by the existence of this freakishly insecure lot trying to mess with something that works fairly well. 

 So much to snark about... but one must surface for air!

 
Thanks for reading this week's edition of Utter Desiness. Please leave a comment if you'd like to add, argue, or are offended :)

My ongoing "public service" to desi news-deprived desis & desiphiles everywhere. Any resemblance to respectable, factual reporting is totally unintentional.

So the Puri Shankaracharya, Swami Nischalananda Saraswati, is offended by the use of the phrase "Apna haath Jagannath" (literal translation = my own hand is God, unstated intent = and will take care of my pleasuring needs) in the movie Kaminey.  The line appears in a poster next to a scantily clad woman, in a poster on a bathroom door.

While the rest of us Hindus were off eating beef, bedding Muslims and such... this selfless philanthrope had a complaint filed under Section 295A of the IPC for hurting our religious sentiments.

Some questions come to mind..

• For a man who is supposed to be sequestered from all worldly banalities and pleasures, how did he know about this oh-so-carnal colloquialism? Apparently a devotee downloaded the offending frame on his cellphone and showed it to him.  Just think about how that conversation went down...Swamiji check this out! (as I'm sure he did)...uh I mean swamiji please read the sentence here...
• If he is offended by the use of the name of Jagannath...isn't the metaphor really a huge compliment? And if anything a fantastic, if somewhat hyperbolic, ad for pleasure derived from faith-based activities?
  
• And since when did Hinduism take on the Catholic agenda of semen conservation? One would have thought at 800 million+ and counting, Hindu men would have proven that they can waste their oats as proficiently as they sow them...

Some context to better understand his beef (ha!) with the whole issue...a sampling of various headlines where "Swamiji" was featured in the past few years...

• June 18 2009: Puri Seer lashes out at PM-Sonia, supports Orissa Bandh... Priceless quote - "I am not fear for my life but I am worry for the survival of Hindu society and its culture"
• Jan 14, 2006: Ban Family Planning, Abortion..he takes issue with this because it would make Hindus a minority...such incisive reasoning. 
  
• June 13, 2004: BJP's debacle was caused by divine curse...Do check out the article for pearls like - BJP's downfall was because they "ditched Hindus" and did not build the Ram mandir.  Also he is in favor of sati and against love marriages.
  
• July 31, 2000: Seer Pressure .. .the story covers how there are imposters claiming to be the real Slim Shady..uh Shankaracharya.  He also reconverted 70 tribals from Christianity to Hinduism and declared that women had no right to recite the vedas.  
  

So yes he comes off as having an insular, self-serving, political agenda that's rooted in the Dark Ages... and that's among his more endearing traits. This is certainly not a rant disparaging Hinduism or great religious leaders.  But for a man who thinks Hinduism and Hindus are coming under fire, he was quicker to pick up on a reference to masturbation in a fluffy flick than a clearly unjust attack on Hindu priests in Nepal.  

Speaking of free speech, we desis have a lot to be proud of this week.  The Gujarat HC overturned the government's ban on Jaswant's Jinnah book.  Meanwhile in the US, conservative parents are losing their minds over how a speech on education from Obama will "convert" their kids into Obamaniacs. And then of course there is Pakistan where political jokes are summarily banned.

So as I write this blog, I do so as an utterly proud desi... :)


Thanks for reading this week's edition of Utter Desiness. So much to snark about, so little time!

My ongoing "public service" to desi news-deprived desis & desiphiles everywhere. Any resemblance to respectable, factual reporting is totally unintentional.
Inveterate news avoiders among us cannot have avoided the recent BJP (RSS) train wreck.  Stellar achievements of some group members include the Babri Masjid demolition,  Godhra riots, goading jihadis to go seek their virgins, mob dismembering+killing of a secular Muslim MP etc.  The zeal of their anti-Muslim agenda is insanely complimented with a zest for Hindu Talibanism. Yes...like Palin and reason.....politics and logic dont always go together and that's just that.   

But in their defense, they take Gandhi's words "You must be the change you want to see in the world" rather seriously.  By all indicators they will not rest until we are a bunch of Saraswati vandana spouting, jeans-abhorring, Hindu birthing, uninformed, paranoid drones.   But much of this is common knowledge. So to get us up to speed on what happened now - a quick recap...

• Jaswant Singh publishes a book on Jinnah where he says it wasn't so much Jinnah but really Nehru and Patel that were for partition.  Top BJP folks get their collective langots in a bunch (ergo some chinta during the baithak) and expel Jaswant Singh like the turd they claim him to be. 
• The book is banned in Gujarat where you can be jailed if you have it on hand.  However it is okay if you have it only to burn it which has given the matchstick industry in this already prosperous state a boost. Apparently it is unconstitutional to jail you for this, but "constitutional" is as foreign a concept as "McDonald's beef burgers" in much of Gujarat thanks to pioneering work done by some of these folks. 
• We must be grateful for the vigilant eyes of the rightwing that protects us from such secular vitriol, even if they are facts.  Yes they missed a similar book written three decades ago by an RSS idealogue, H V Seshadri, a bunch of others by historians on partition and also didn't have quite such a hissy when Advani praised Jinnah during his trip to Pakistan.  But eighth time's the charm! 
  
• Arun Shourie (BJP) attempts to defend liberal thinking and free press but instead goes on an Alzheimer-tinged rant where he references fictional characters and nursery rhymes insulting BJP leaders but then back-peddles furiously. He quotes Tagore's "Where the mind is without fear" in one last attempt of borrowed, literary glory. 
  
• Unrelated to the book fiasco, at the same time the leadership tries to fire Vasundhara Raje (leader of the opposition, Rajasthan).  She has a strong administrative record but like all women in power she's more trouble than her male bosses think she is worth.  The Kicker though is that when asked to quit she went.."uhm okay but I have 3 conditions.  First...I want a beter job than I have now.  Second...." One simply has to admire a Rajasthani woman going Kaikeyi!   
  

That's a quick and generally insufficient recap of current affairs.  But now for something related but different...
 
To know Pakistan you have to know Jinnah, was Jaswant Singh's defense for why he wrote the book.  In that vein it may help to know today's BJP to scratch the surface of this oil-spill.

• BJP slogan: Yes they actually have one. Sushasan, vikaas aur suraksha (good governance, development and security.) Given their current state of affairs that would be like Barbie claiming she cared about quantum physics and fat chicks. 
• RSS: The Ayotallah to BJP's Ahmedinajad. Enough said.
•  Core philosophy: Pretentiously labeled Integral Humanism - this is actually a remarkably mature, balanced and idealistic vision of how India should change with the times while preserving the heritage that makes her strong. As part of the sanity-avoidance diet they are on, much of this has been excluded in their political reality.  Tolerance and the need for control (not anger) are some of the guiding principles, so you know what I mean...  
  
• Current agenda: While one can actually get on board with some of their pet issues (Uniform Civil Code and getting Kashmir to not be a brat) it's pretty amazing that building the Ram Mandir officially tops this list.  Given India's key concerns are infrastructure, resource allocation, eradicating social evils etc, one may wonder how a temple in Ayodhya is a legitimate political platform.  One hypothesis is that since Ram rajya was a time when these issues were not a concern, that temple will act like a portkey and all 800 million of us can go back to a better time. In the future Babur will likely break it down again but we are future-agnostic so will not go there.
  

There is a lot more to be said about the likes of Modi, Swaraj, Advani and the rest. In deference to my self-imposed snark limits - all of this will have to wait for another post, another day.


Thanks for reading this week's edition of Utter Desiness. And a special thanks to those of you who opted to follow me...am especially grateful to whatever drugs you are on... :)

My ongoing "public service" to desi news-deprived desis & desiphiles everywhere...any resemblance to respectable, factual reporting is thorougly unintentional...

Simply have to share a few instances of Desi spawned ad brilliance-

• Exhibit A (image on the right): Bharat Matrimony pimps out mother-in-law approved jasmine-wearing, idli-steaming womb-carriers while a Midday Mate sits atop so our desi bachelors can get mom-approved tail and their fantasy bunny in one strike. Think of the one on top while you (are forced to) do the one below...well played sir! Media placement was also quite brilliant, right next to the article on how sex workers in Mumbai refuse to kiss clients who look sickly enough to harbor H1N1. http://utterdesiness.blogspot.com/2009/08/lipstick-on-pigswine-flu-edition.html (Yes I just routed you to my own blog, if I wont...who will?)

• Exhibit B: A matrimonial site thought it prudent to use a 15-year old in a palanquin for their ad the "India Day Parade" in Manhattan so foreigners could see how socially progressive we really are. Incidentally even cigarette companies in India will not cast someone who IS legally younger than 25 (they might look 16 though.) Thank you matrimonial ad site for making it that much easier to explain to my American friends that we dont compulsively betroth fetuses and burn brides. To think it was tough enough to explain that an arranged marriage was'nt exactly a neanderthal set up...

Thanks for reading this week's edition of Utter Desiness. So much to snark about, so little time!

My ongoing "public service" to desi news-deprived desis & desiphiles everywhere...

Finally an event to provoke the sleeping, apathetic giant that is Democratic India! Even the self-involved Bollywood elite was angered enough to tweet and such because social injustic like this is simply egregious. Unlike their Hollywood counterparts who balance consumeristic excesses by adopting African babies, Bollywood celebrities tend to channel their energies into pimping shampoos, cars, soft drinks etc. until of course the fateful day of...August 14, 2009!

What stirred their passions you ask (or you don't) - could it be that gender genocide is rampant even today in affluent, urban societies of India OR is it the issues that restrict economic and social progress to only select Indian cities OR may be even the growing concern of pesticides and chemicals in our food as corporate India goes the way of obnoxious Chinese manufacturers (melamine in baby formula anyone?)...

Wrong! Shah Rukh Khan was questioned and an airline lost his luggage, which apparently made them question him even more. Ah the audacity...for never before has a Muslim man been questioned, an Indian been bothered at US Immigration, or luggage been lost by an airline!

A few other highlights in terms of the brilliant reactions this spawned:

• Furthering the theory "have mouth, will blab" the federal information minister, Ambika Soni, astutely recommended that India adopt a similar policy toward Americans travelling to India. This is just the shot in the arm that Indian tourism and the economy needs. Yes we can be as pig-headed as other insular, myopic nations...now that's a race we can win.
  
  
• Actress Priyanka Chopra tweeted with her well-manicured fingers "Shocking, disturbing n downright disgraceful. It's such behaviour that fuels hatred and racism. SRK's a world figure for God's sake. Get real!" - a situation apparently too dire for perspective. When a 5th of Americans cant locate the US on a world map, it is of course fair to expect that the immigration officer, who is likely not an auror, will recognize and fawn over SRK.
  


• Allahabad joined the force by burning the US flag since this has worked so well for the Middle East, Iraq, Iran, and a host of floundering African nations. Ah to be a pyromaniac or just any man with a matchstick in this city...


• And in an incredibly reassuring and familiar move the U.S. ambassador, Timothy J. Roemer, on Saturday said the U.S. Embassy was trying to "ascertain the facts of the case - to understand what took place." Now doesnt that seem like one of our bureaucrats...awwww...we are all the same :) An unnamed source though confirmed that Mr. Roemer could not understand that there was any actor in India more important than Dev Patel and was caught offguard by this angst-ridden furore.
  
  
  Thanks for reading this week's edition of Utter Desiness. So much to write, so little time!

We desis do patriotic fervor phenomenally well. Bharat Bala, Aamir Khan, cricket etc often deliver like fertile Indian women. But for some completely dysfunctional reason I choose to do a Swine Flu Edition on India's 62nd birthday.

For those of you so tired of swine overkill that you avoided the news and NRIs who've managed to escape the mind-numbing onslaught of 24-hour Indian news media... here is my public service to desi news-deprived desis everywhere.


The highlights...

• Iron hand of the virus: H1N1 has Indian mobs listening to the government and taking precautionary (read common sense) hygenic measures making the virus more effective than most politicians and legislative measures in the last six decades. Now to get that virus to put an end to littering, public urination and eveteasing.
  

• Oh Pune, why all this effort to make Bihar look good: The death toll goes down by 3 on August 14th not because of an effective clamp down but because of a "local mistake" where three Pune non-H1N1 deaths were added to the tally before swab results were confirmed. This was because the district collector Dalvi told the Center who told the people keeping tabs...that this is the house that Jack Built. Yup it made about that much sense. Pune as ground zero is also supposed to have happened through a perfect storm of bureaucratic incompetence and apparently - really good weather!

• Masked pot of gold: Gottalove economics. Masks are in short supply even as the price zooms from Rs. 5 to Rs 150...sort of like how Bush grew the deficit. Making Dick Cheney look like Mother Teresa is Delhi fashion designer Akansha Reshu who spins designer masks at Rs. 500 a pop.
  

• Masks aala re: Janmashtami celebrations go on as schools are closed and Indians for the first time in their lives officially avoid crowds. Check out this group of kids wearing surgical masks as they watch the human pyramid.

• Saving the best for last!:Kamathipura shows signs of empowered Independence as sex workers refuse to kiss "leep to leep" and even "service" some clients with H1N1 hovering like a dementor. Definitely give the awesomely titled "Kiss miss for sex workers" a read for the Idiot's Guide on dupatta sex.
  

This just in...
Divine intervention? Surgical masks or just plain masks are now the norm. An anonymous expert indicated that the H1N1 pandemic is in fact an act of biological warfare by a group of fundamentalist Jains in order to gain media "share of voice" - a scene continually dominated by the Big 3 religions. The leader of the group -"Root Cause" issued this statement "We wouldnt hurt a fly even if it kills us. And the masks certainly achieve that."

Thanks for reading this week's edition of Utter Desiness. So much to write, so little time!